2010 Recap

It is better late than never to present a recap of the year that was 2010, right? I've decided that I really liked how my friend Ashley of Have Heart set up her recap post so I thought that I would play copycat.

2010

In January I reigned in the new year with my boyfriend's family in Missouri, began an internship with a local radio station, and took the GRE.

In February I started my blog, bought my ticket to Bonnaroo, and ate at The Yellow Porch on a romantic and classic Valentine's date with Eliot.

In March I attended the local Big Ears festival, celebrated Eliot and I's two year anniversary, watched endless hours of basketball during the NCAA tournament (Go Vols!), and took a spontaneous trip to New Orleans for Spring Break.

In April I began to appreciate the warm weather more than ever before; I was outside constantly. I watched Daniel Tosh perform at a comedy club, and came head to head with my inner struggle as to what to do with my life in regards to the immediate future. 

My life was also being predominantly led by my photojournalism course in which I had two major projects that month: Crunching Numbers and our surprisingly fun class trip to LaFollette, TN.

In May I went to the pool...a lot. I attended my last Volapalooza ever, GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, purchased my MacBook, and received my Bonnaroo ticket in the mail.

In June I moved back home, attended three weddings (and photographed two), discovered Francesca's Collections, went to Bonnaroo, watched a lot of soccer, and took a spontaneous trip to Washington DC with my dad.

In July I helped my best friend cope through her first break up, was fortunate enough to see Modest Mouse for the second time, and I took some promotional photos for a prominent local radio personality.

In August I traveled to my birth town of Shreveport, Louisiana for a family wedding, went to Florida, celebrated my 100th blog post, saw Arcade Fire and Spoon in Alpharetta, Georgia, attended The Black Keys in Nashville, and was provoked to do a lot of soul searching.

In September I took my little sister to the zoo, was coming to my wit's end with serving tables, celebrated my 22nd birthday, rejoiced in the coming of my favorite season, and moved to Washington DC for an internship.

In October I received a visit a from Eliot in DC, took a trip to the Botanical Gardens, saw Joan Baez and Steve Earle in concert, and spent Halloween with my closest friends in my former college town.

In November I enjoyed DC during the height of fall, a close family friend and her family moved away, and I spent an eventful Thanksgiving with my family; leaving me scatterbrained and not wanting to return to DC for my final weeks of the internship.

In December I moved back home, our family dog of 14 years passed away, I waited until the last minute to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping, and I experienced my very first white Christmas.

[2010 was a fantastic year with rough patches throughout, of course, but fantastic nonetheless. 
I hope that 2011 brings just as much travel, family, and live music, but with the financial and physical stability to round it out.
That is truly my only new year's resolution; to find a job that I enjoy and that brings stability along with a foreseeable knowledge of the future.]

Then you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone.

I was truly inspired by Danielle from Sometimes Sweet with this post. It is an older post, but inspiring nonetheless. She lists 10 important life lessons that she has experienced and learned through living out her 20's. Though I am only on the verge of turning 22, I fully agreed with half of what she has said while also still living and trying to come to the same conclusion myself in terms of the other half.

Though still figuring it all out, personal experience throughout high school and college have left its own impressions on me whether it is of a positive or negative nature.

Here is what I've come up with so far. These are things that both triumph and loss have taught me.

1. The MAJORITY of first love relationships do not work out. People change, and that is okay. 

I've come to fully believe that everybody that we encounter serves a purpose in our lives no matter the allotted time of their presence. My first real relationship was full of trial and error happenings (as I'm sure is the norm), and I learned many things about myself that I have since either enhanced or changed completely. If this relationship had never taken place then I am certain that my current boyfriend and I would not be as happy as we are today. It is so so SO hard to let go and to move on when the time comes, but it is possible, which is something that can probably only be believed if lived it.

2. Parents do not know everything. And marriage is only a word. 

I'm sorry if you choose to believe otherwise, but we are all human, after all. Our parents have experienced more and can thus give us great advice the majority of the time. However, everyone makes mistakes and that goes for mommy and daddy too. I was unfortunate enough to figure this one out at an early stage in life, but I think that I am better for it now. The sooner one learns this lesson, the sooner one's own future marriage and parenting are put into a more realistic perspective. Maturity in age does not always directly correspond with emotional maturity. 

Adults make mistakes too. Adults say things to their kids that shouldn't be said. Adults do not always have a backbone. Adults spoil their children. Adults give in to temptation. And adults break their promises. It's only natural. This in no way discredits them as good parents as much as it reassures their existence as true human beings. Kids, it is okay to not fully delve into your parent's developed belief system and to explore some of life's biggest questions for yourself.

3. Gossip reaps insecurities. 

"If you are surrounded by chatty people who talk about others behind their backs, they are probably talking about you behind yours also" - point blank.

4. What works for one person does not necessarily work for you (as applied in all realms of life). As seemingly cliche as this sounds, it is amazing as to how frustrating it can be when a person on the other side of the conversation has not yet fully realized this. I've encountered countless persons of age that still do not understand just how powerful the influence is of one's past experiences, physical environment, and genetic makeup. Sharing your thoughts on a matter is one thing, but excessively pushing your views on a subject onto another will not always be taken lightly. Such protocol can be adhered to religion, parenting, career expectations, schooling, and the like.

I really cannot put it into better words. To quote Danielle, 

"Don't let anyone else's definition of happiness/success/life make you question your own definition of those things."

5. Take advantage of your youth. 

If keeping up with my blog you would know that though I am a spontaneous traveler at heart, I had a recent mental lapse in this area in terms of a destination internship. I'm happy to say that I have fully recovered and that I am ready to take advantage of any opportunity that comes my way, despite the distance.

To put it simply, take a chance! Go abroad, visit a foreign city on a whim, enroll in a school that is far away from the group of friends that you've known since you were five. Do this now because let me tell you, time flies and these opportunities will not always be there. As the years advance, priorities change.

To quote my own self, "Do things for yourself and focus on YOU while you are still allowed to be selfish enough to do so."

6. We cannot please everybody (no matter how hard we try).

What an important lesson to be learned! So important and so necessary. I understand that a lot of people have this sort of disposition- my boyfriend especially. We want everyone to like us, and it is so hard to cope when we find out that someone doesn't. What did I do wrong? What happened to make him/her think such a thing? How can they say that when they don't even know me? But the truth is, it is IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE EVERYBODY ALL OF THE TIME. I learned this in high school, and then I relearned it recently as my family steadily grew from an accustomed family of four to an unconventional family of nine. Since reading minds isn't an option, unless we physically sit down with every person each day in order to rationalize everything that we have done and will do in our lives, nobody will truly know our genuine intentions. There are many jaded, negative people in the world, and if that is how they choose to look at you then you simply cannot let it have an effect. We do the best we can! And if that isn't enough then why bother?! They aren't worth it!

7. Quality is better than quantity. 

I was once caught up with the longing notion of being "popular"- of being a pretty girl with a lunch table full of other pretty girls that were alongside the cute boys that always accompanied said pretty girls. So many friends they had- so it seemed. My group of friends, on the other hand, has always been smaller by nature because I personally thrive through the one on one connection. My boyfriend always teases me and says, "Your presence might not immediately command a room, but just one conversation with you and a flash of your smile and anyone would fall in love." (<-- By the way, I love him.)

Anyhow, the point is that through building quality relationships with people I can truly say that I can count on EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of my friends to be there for me at the drop of a hat. There is a stark difference between a quality friendship and numerous frivolous lunch dates and acquaintances. These lasting friendships are imperative for reasons that would take days to explain. Loyalty outshines a high number any day of the week, which is why I very much encourage a bond of this nature to be formed.

8. Modesty is admirable, insecurity is a turn off.

This is something that I struggled with for the longest time and am just now coming to terms with. The biggest example I can conjure up has to do with my current boyfriend. Since the beginning of our relationship I for some reason put him on a pedestal of sorts, which was a result of our high school years many moons ago. He was fairly popular throughout the years and had an abundance of friends and a natural coolness about his person to boot. When the two of us hit it off I was in a state of disbelief. Me?! Subconscious thoughts would arise in my head, I'm not good enough or pretty enough. What does he see in me? Boy, I'm lucky to have him! When I voiced these tormented thoughts aloud it would feel fantastic to have him counteract them and to reassure me. 

Then, it became a habit- much too much of one. Sooner or later I could tell that my consistent self-conscious nature was causing him to become weary. Finally, whenever I would passively say something stupid along the lines of "I look fat," he would immediate follow with the response, "Then do something about it. Change it." I would get so irritated at first! But I'm NOT FAT! That wasn't the right answer! I realized that although those insecurities weighed heavily on my mind, the truth was also deep down, buried somewhere beneath. I just had to bring it upon myself to realize that I AM comfortable with myself, and I do not need constant reassurance from others for me to feel that way.

[Deep breath]. And this is all. For now. I'm still living and always learning. And constantly thinking.

Uva uvam vivendo varia.

"It was a mistake, coming into other people's country. 

It only disturbed them and led to things like the dead boy. People wouldn't understand, wouldn't know that they were friendly.

It would have been so much better to stay where they had lived, by the old river. Deets felt a longing to be back, to sit in the corrals at night and wonder about the moon. Many a time he had dozed off, wondering about the moon..."

Lonesome Dove, Larry McMurtry

A quote from my latest read novel, and one that felt strangely coherent with my current state.

[Comfort vs. Adventure

Routine vs. The Unknown

Contentment vs. Desire]

My dad asked me the other day if I would be interested in an internship, one that was far away. It would be a clean start and a killer addition to the resume, yes, but it would also be a commitment nonetheless. I was hesitant to immediately agree to applying because I was finally in a niche with my current job and state of living. 

But then again, is said "current job" taking me places in life? No, not really. Is said "current state of living" one of permanence? It surely was never intended to be so.

Though the quest endured in Lonesome Dove ultimately ended with numerous deaths and disastrous occurrences, it also came away with a general sense of accomplishment, newfound territory, stronger interrelationships, and self realization.

Relating this back to my present situation, to remain here and turn down the opportunity, for example, would be a safe decision. I am content and relatively happy, after all. I do not necessarily long for something more, but I am also not ignorant to the vast amounts of other possibilities.
Aside from my family, I think that this city has graciously given to me all that it has to offer. It is time to take a leap of faith and to make things happen. I have done it before, and I can certainly do it again.

I am not going to be afraid of change, and distance will not be an obstacle if it is ever a factor. 

I want to make the most of myself and focus on ME while I am still allowed to be selfish enough to do so.
_____________________________________
Dear Opportunity,
It's me. And I'm ready.

What happened?!

The other day I was scouring through an old chest in search of finding something that was lost. Upon said scouring I came across a book.

Not just any book, mind you.

A book that was written and illustrated by a 12 year old ME.

It's called Stephanie's Secret, and it is 28 pages long.

Though the title and the subject matter are as generic as they come, I couldn't help but be proud of the little me. Who at that age, after all, sits down and types out a book? In my opinion, some of the lines in it even resembled those of a legitimate published novel! Truly, they did.

After moments of marvel depicted toward the homemade text, I finally put the book aside and dove more into the chest wondering what else I could resurrect from its depths. 

and TADA! My sketchbook:

 

As a child I drew anything and everything. Anytime I felt inspired, out came the pencil! I miss that! These specific finds left me pondering; what happened to cause a halt in my drawings? I guess my only conclusion that I can derive is that I started to direct my creativity toward a different (digital) outlet. In high school I became so obsessed with taking photos that I completely abandoned my sketchbooks. What a tragedy that subconscious decision was. Aside from doodles and flowers, I can't remember the last time that I drew a legitimate picture.

So,

as bloggers as my witness, I am determined to pick up this habit once again. These particular sketches were drawn when I was 12 and 13 years old, and I think that they are pretty decent. If I had kept going and improving with the art who knows where I would be here and now at the ripe old age of 21!

Hello Stream of Consciousness.

Am I really one of those girls that suffer from mild separation anxiety when her boyfriend leaves?

No, not really.

Today, however, is different.

As I helped pack the little white chevy for its one way trip to Knoxville, emotions of all sorts were rising to the surface. It had finally hit me that I wasn't going back to school. I was sure that this was bound to occur, but I was not sure as to how it would feel when it did.

I feel bland- a dull variation of mental states.

All of my brothers and sisters, friends and boyfriend are returning to some form of educational establishment.

I wish I were joining them.

Excitement and fresh starts are visibly surrounding me in every direction, and for the first time in my life I feel none of it.

As a child I could have probably been considered a minority because I was one of those rare kids who truly loved to go to school. "Mental health days," as my mom called them, were a rare occasion for me, and in college I even hesitated to skip class because "I might miss something."

I truly cherish the process of learning and the educational environment as a whole.

It's a foreign feeling to not go to school after 15+ years of being taught that it is indeed what we are supposed to do.

I think graduate school will definitely be in my future, after all. 

As soon as I figure out what I am passionate about career wise, I will be hitting the books immediately.

Though I am not living in the most ideal situation at the present time nor working at an ideal post college job, I simply have to keep in mind that my life will fall into place eventually. And it will do so when the time is right.

That aside, my goal for this coming year is to truly gain a bond with my siblings, and I am thankful to be given the opportunity to do so now. With an age difference as vast as ours and an adoption that took place while I was already in the midst of my college career, life's obstacles have seemed to take a toll on the six of us and our relationships with each other.

As the oldest I have always felt a strong sense of responsibility, and I think that if I can accomplish a stronger connection with each sibling then this year just might not be so bad, despite my void of the collegiate lifestyle.

A Day in the Life.

So today I was painting my nails...

(No, bear with me. I promise this is going somewhere...)

So today I was painting my nails, and I happened upon a matter of self discovery- I am extremely impatient. This dose of realization occurred after I unnecessarily painted 4 different coats of polish onto my nails within a 30 minute time span.

Allow me to explain myself.

After the first coat, for example, I decided that my feet were cold. I really needed a blanket. "No Emmy," I thought to myself. "Your nails aren't dry and you'll mess them up if you pick up that blanket. Don't do it." Ehhhhh, but I'm so chilly! I grabbed the blanket, and alas, little fuzzies got caught on my wet polish leaving crinkled impressions in my right pointer finger.

With frustration, I removed the polish and repainted the nail.

A couple of minutes went by...so far so good...until I spotted a can of cashews on the coffee table. Oh man, those looked good. I, of course, began to rationalize with myself as to why I should indeed risk my freshly painted nails for the yummy, salty container of nuts. Cashews don't have fuzzies straying from them like my blanket, they're relatively large in size, and easy to pick up. I could definitely get away with this.

Skurrrrr, not.

Curses to Ross and Rachel, season two of "Friends." A steamy kissing scene (that I had already seen n number of times, mind you) graced the television and my concentration went awry. My fingers slipped and hit the corner of the cashew container.

Enter: nail polish coat number 3.

Ok, by this time I've learned my lesson- no touching anything. Better yet, no moving whatsoever!

This, however, didn't last very long as my alarm went off signaling that it was time to start getting ready for work. I went about my daily routine as carefully as possible. I ironed my uniform and carried out the dressing process with great success. Everything was going well until I tried to fix my hair (which, in hindsight, didn't really need to be fixed).

Damn you bobby pins, damn you.

And you know what? Out of spite, I'm not even going to fix it. So there. I lose.

____________________________________________

Patience truly is a virtue.