Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hello Stream of Consciousness.

Am I really one of those girls that suffer from mild separation anxiety when her boyfriend leaves?
No, not really.
Today, however, is different.
As I helped pack the little white chevy for its one way trip to Knoxville, emotions of all sorts were rising to the surface. It had finally hit me that I wasn't going back to school. I was sure that this was bound to occur, but I was not sure as to how it would feel when it did.
I feel bland- a dull variation of mental states.

All of my brothers and sisters, friends and boyfriend are returning to some form of educational establishment.
I wish I were joining them.
Excitement and fresh starts are visibly surrounding me in every direction, and for the first time in my life I feel none of it.

As a child I could have probably been considered a minority because I was one of those rare kids who truly loved to go to school. "Mental health days," as my mom called them, were a rare occasion for me, and in college I even hesitated to skip class because "I might miss something."
I truly cherish the process of learning and the educational environment as a whole.
It's a foreign feeling to not go to school after 15+ years of being taught that it is indeed what we are supposed to do.
I think graduate school will definitely be in my future, after all. 
As soon as I figure out what I am passionate about career wise, I will be hitting the books immediately.

Though I am not living in the most ideal situation at the present time nor working at an ideal post college job, I simply have to keep in mind that my life will fall into place eventually. And it will do so when the time is right.

That aside, my goal for this coming year is to truly gain a bond with my siblings, and I am thankful to be given the opportunity to do so now. With an age difference as vast as ours and an adoption that took place while I was already in the midst of my college career, life's obstacles have seemed to take a toll on the six of us and our relationships with each other.
As the oldest I have always felt a strong sense of responsibility, and I think that if I can accomplish a stronger connection with each sibling then this year just might not be so bad, despite my void of the collegiate lifestyle.


  1. Great post. I too hate missing class because I might miss something too! haha.. I'm new to your blog, but going to stick around!

  2. My first year (especially first fall) post-college was very, very difficult for me. We'd just gotten married, and moved 3 hours away from the place I met all my best friends. None of them lived in our new city. I loved being married more than anything, but I missed my friends so bad that my heart just ached. I missed learning, I missed classes (I've always loved and been very comfortable in school), and I was terrified of the process of learning to actually be a nurse instead of just studying for it.

    But I got through it. And every year since then, fall has been an extremely nostalgic, and almost sad, time for me. I still miss college. But I wouldn't trade my life now for anything.

    Praying for you in this new season of life. It'll work out :)

  3. Thanks April! That is exactly what I am going through. Instead of moving away though, my friends are all moving and going to school leaving me in a small town where the streets are cleared by 9 pm.

    I know I'll get through it. I just hate not having a plan. I think this is the first time ever that I haven't had one and wasn't studying for something, etc.

  4. i agree with your comment on my blog. i think we would be friends in real life.

  5. Wow that really must be a shock to your system! I hope you ease into your school-less lifestyle easily. Hopefully in a few months you won't even miss the before-a-test anxiety or the piles of homework. Developing closer relations with your siblings seems like a great goal! I'm sure they'll love the bonding time